Overtired Mind

I am exhausted. 

I have continuous bags under my eyes.

I am smiling on the outside,

But on the inside is a different story.....

My brain of late has been working overtime at a time when most would be curled up in their snuggly beds preparing themselves for a peaceful and uninterrupted sleep 

For me its a different story-

I have never been an amazing sleeper

Im a tosser

Im a turner

and once i get woken up thats it - Im awake

However I was always able to drift off to start with.

But for the past month and a bit the drifting part has been somewhat absent.

I am a ‘semi - bottler’ - 

Whats that you ask?

I am able to express myself - however the most of my emotions get bottled up and stored away until the sun goes down, i’m in my Jammies and my head is rested on a pillow.

Im not sure whether its because it’s calm, quiet, dark and i have not ONE distraction to take me away from ‘ feeling it‘ or ;

whether it has something to do with not wanted to put my sorrow on peoples shoulders

in saying that last statement please note i have amazing friends and family who are there all the time and want me top be open about my feelings

I guess when I’m with these people I would rather reflect on the ‘now‘ and take in every moment, rather then talking and getting myself all welled up.

So its now that my time to remember, reflect and release is when all is still and the world is  resting there overworked bodies.

I cry, I cry harder then i have ever cried in my life.

My body aches in the morning.

My eyes sting.

I’m usually so exhausted from using all my might to release my thoughts.

But I always wake to a beautiful day, a beautiful new day.

I’ve spoken to a few people and asked for there thoughts on this whole healing process.

Some have told me of there ways of coping.

Some have steered me in the direction of sleeping pills.

Some yoga.

Some journal writing.

Two of the above I have already been taking part it.

One of the above I am not so sure about.

The sleeping pills.

Its the big debate really, the big debate in my head more so then in society.

Here are my thoughts, ( i’d love to know yours also )

The thought of a decent night of shut eye makes me smile.

Working with children is the most amazing thing i could be doing to pay the bills, of late though I feel like i am not giving my best due to being emotionally drained, from lack of sleep.

I was told last night by a close friend that he was feeling really down and spoke to his doctor about it and his doctor prescribed him sleeping pills over anti - depressants, he spoke about not feeling the need to be on the anti - depressants because he didn't feel that was the case for him. However my dear friend after having a peaceful , uninterrupted sleep felt amazing. He believes that his emotions and feelings were low due to a lack of sleep. 

However then there is the other side,

Maybe my body not letting me drift into dreamland straight away is a way of it dealing with the things going on in my head.

Knowing that I’m not a public expressionist and have trouble expressing myself face to face, the thought of not being able to do it at night on my own makes me wonder how else I would be able to cope with it all, without resolving to being  the “bottler” . 

I know that time will heal all wounds, and i guess I’m just at that part of the healing process, but it is just all so confusing.

I feel a little lost, not like I’m wandering through the world not knowing where to go .

I’ve just lost myself in my mind a little.

Almost as if I have detached myself from my mind.

Im feeling happy and smiling and loving all the things that I have in front of me.

However my mind has a mind of its own, and most of the time, come night time, my mind bears a really big frown - or maybe its a smile?

the MAN.

It isn't necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or ice. There are two other possibilities: one is paperwork, and the other is nostalgia. 

Frank Zappa  

t a l e s

these images are stunning

they tell a million stories

i love hands

they tell tales

im a hands girl

hands down

Holiday Inspiration

I've been doing a lot of thinking

I've had friends tell me 

" its time to look after you "

In my mind I've been planning the perfect escape

I've got a few ideas out there

I think i know where i wanna be next year

I wanna be in Nepal 

I wanna be there during Holi

I wanna join in the amazingness of the Festival of Colour 

who's in??

**The main day, Holi, also known as Dhuli Vandana in Sanskrit, also Dhulheti, Dhulandi or Dhulendi, is celebrated by people throwing coloured powder and coloured water at each other. Bonfires are lit on the eve of the festival, also known as Holika Dahan (burning of Holika) or Chhoti Holi (little Holi). The bonfires are lit in memory of the miraculous escape that young Prahlad accomplished when Demoness Holika, sister of Hiranyakashipu, carried him into the fire. Holika was burnt but Prahlad, a staunch devotee of god Vishnu, escaped without any injuries due to his unshakable devotion. Holika Dahan is referred to as Kama Dahanam in South India.

Holi is celebrated at the end of the winter season on the last full moon day of the lunar month Phalguna (February/March), (Phalgun Purnima), which usually falls in the later part of February or March. In 2009, Holi (Dhulandi) was on March 11 and Holika Dahan was on March 10. In 2010, Holi was on March 1 and Holika Dahan was on February 28. **

idol.

inspiration : Isabella Blow

.she is just talent.

bedridden

i feel awful

my chest is achey and tight

my bones are chilled

i am as hot as a freshly boiled kettle

and have this on going ringing in my ear

where did you come from you nasty virus?

i haven't had a flu/cold/virus for years....

working with children has built my immunity up so much

and out of nowhere 

BOOM

i'm hit with the worst cold i've ever had

i'm at home staying with dad at the moment keeping him company 

and turns out his got the same thing as me

maybe our bodies are just so rundown after everything

maybe its part of the healing process?

all i know is that i miss her so much more

i miss her coming in with my medicine

i miss her making me cups of tea

warming up soup for me

rubbing vicks on my chest and back

i miss her telling me to cover my mouth when i cough

i miss her so fucking much

it hurts

missing her.

i woke on the 13th of June 2011 to a phone call from my younger brother...
"SARAH WAKE UP "
i jumped out of bed , still asleep, but knowing in my heart something was wrong...
i ran to the front door..
there in the car waiting for me was my dad and my brother

my heart stopped
in that second i grabbed whatever clothes i could get from the ground and chucked them on.
i jumped into the big old creaky 4WD and belted up and we set off to the hospital

it wasn't till two seconds after i was in the car and took a deep breathe, that i asked :
" whats happening? "

dad explained that he had received a call from the ladies up at the hospital and they said mum wasn't doing very well and they thought it best we be up there to say our goodbyes....

i was crying on the inside, i was bawling, yelling screaming.. but on the outside i was speechless, emotionless, expressionless.

after for what seemed like the longest car ride to the hospital ever we raced into the ward.
only to be greeted by a nurse
her words crushed me

" I'm sorry " 


it took me sometime to process exactly what i had just been told, and in that time i thought how hard it would be to be her, the nurse.
to deliver such sad , numbing news to people....
i wondered how many different reactions she would have seen
it takes a special person to work in that ward
a strong person with so much love
so much strength to deliver such crushing words.

i was surrounded by my beautiful dad , and my beautiful brother.
we were told she had passed just after 9am .
we arrived at 9.20am
FUCK was what i thought
but THANKYOU was all i could say

i was thankful that my beautiful, peaceful mother was now at peace.

it was a week on monday.
i am a lost soul.
i know it will all get better with time.
and i know she is watching over me.
but shit it hurts.

not a day passes that i don't think about her.

Facepaint Friday

to the bravest lady i know......

i don't think i have ever met someone as brave as my mum

every day she continues to blow me away with her strength 

.

today was hard

.

i went to visit her and she wanted to tell me so many things

but she just couldn't

the words just wouldn't come out

i can read my mum

like most daughters can

i watch her eyes

they tell a million stories

.

i just sat with her today

i rubbed her back

i held her hand

i told her what i had planned

i told her stories

i told her what all my best friends were up too 

she smiled

and listened

i took a beautiful photo of me and my brother up and pinned it on her board

she smiled and whispered

'beautiful'

i wanted so bad to climb into bed with her

i just want to spend every second curled up next to her

.

my visits are becoming shorter and shorter as she is wearing out rather quick these days

and usually falls asleep mid conversation

mouth open and all 

bless her heart

i love kissing her shiny hair free head

i love her smell

i love her kind eyes

i love her so much

.

i know its another sad blog

but today i'm really feeling it

i have to feel it

in order to brave it

x

sad eyes

song for the day