I am exhausted.
I have continuous bags under my eyes.
I am smiling on the outside,
But on the inside is a different story.....
My brain of late has been working overtime at a time when most would be curled up in their snuggly beds preparing themselves for a peaceful and uninterrupted sleep
For me its a different story-
I have never been an amazing sleeper
Im a tosser
Im a turner
and once i get woken up thats it - Im awake
However I was always able to drift off to start with.
But for the past month and a bit the drifting part has been somewhat absent.
I am a ‘semi - bottler’ -
Whats that you ask?
I am able to express myself - however the most of my emotions get bottled up and stored away until the sun goes down, i’m in my Jammies and my head is rested on a pillow.
Im not sure whether its because it’s calm, quiet, dark and i have not ONE distraction to take me away from ‘ feeling it‘ or ;
whether it has something to do with not wanted to put my sorrow on peoples shoulders
in saying that last statement please note i have amazing friends and family who are there all the time and want me top be open about my feelings
I guess when I’m with these people I would rather reflect on the ‘now‘ and take in every moment, rather then talking and getting myself all welled up.
So its now that my time to remember, reflect and release is when all is still and the world is resting there overworked bodies.
I cry, I cry harder then i have ever cried in my life.
My body aches in the morning.
My eyes sting.
I’m usually so exhausted from using all my might to release my thoughts.
But I always wake to a beautiful day, a beautiful new day.
I’ve spoken to a few people and asked for there thoughts on this whole healing process.
Some have told me of there ways of coping.
Some have steered me in the direction of sleeping pills.
Some yoga.
Some journal writing.
Two of the above I have already been taking part it.
One of the above I am not so sure about.
The sleeping pills.
Its the big debate really, the big debate in my head more so then in society.
Here are my thoughts, ( i’d love to know yours also )
The thought of a decent night of shut eye makes me smile.
Working with children is the most amazing thing i could be doing to pay the bills, of late though I feel like i am not giving my best due to being emotionally drained, from lack of sleep.
I was told last night by a close friend that he was feeling really down and spoke to his doctor about it and his doctor prescribed him sleeping pills over anti - depressants, he spoke about not feeling the need to be on the anti - depressants because he didn't feel that was the case for him. However my dear friend after having a peaceful , uninterrupted sleep felt amazing. He believes that his emotions and feelings were low due to a lack of sleep.
However then there is the other side,
Maybe my body not letting me drift into dreamland straight away is a way of it dealing with the things going on in my head.
Knowing that I’m not a public expressionist and have trouble expressing myself face to face, the thought of not being able to do it at night on my own makes me wonder how else I would be able to cope with it all, without resolving to being the “bottler” .
I know that time will heal all wounds, and i guess I’m just at that part of the healing process, but it is just all so confusing.
I feel a little lost, not like I’m wandering through the world not knowing where to go .
I’ve just lost myself in my mind a little.
Almost as if I have detached myself from my mind.
Im feeling happy and smiling and loving all the things that I have in front of me.
However my mind has a mind of its own, and most of the time, come night time, my mind bears a really big frown - or maybe its a smile?
